1. 3 years ago

    On moving on

    It is a non-specific annoyance, really. But left unobserved, it finds a target and intensifies. I don’t know if it’s anger or fear of both. I’m angry and hurt about the disintegration of my relationship, about my final grade in senior seminar, about having to do all this grown up stuff like paying bills, about stuff that happened in the past, about the cat and dog hair all over my bed…I’m annoyed to have to deal with the seeming trivialities of life when all I want to do is be and sing and write and be happy. Something negative happens and we are hurt. It is said that time heals. Does it? Or does it blur memories so that we no longer consciously bring up the suffering in the present? We suffer and life of course moves on inexorably. We take on new experiences, new people, new goals and new memories. The suffering hasn’t really been vanquished, after all it did happen, but it has been forgotten. The suffering and the memory of it merges into our unconscious conditioning, becoming part of already embodied patterns, what many scholars have called the “pain-body,” to come up in a massive perambulation in ways that may not be clearly recognizable to us. So of course we turn to positive belief systems. We chase money and relationships and diversions. We blame our genetics and upbringing and our childhood and external circumstances. There is nothing necessarily right or wrong about any of this, but at some point we decide to take complete responsibility and realize that this pattern can reverse itself. Yes, we are afraid of pain. But when we know how to release it, the fear of pain goes away. Then we feel painful feelings appropriately in the present. The grief of missing a loved one in whatever manner, the sorrowful compassion at the suffering of others, the anger of injustice, the bittersweet feeling when something comes to an end—these painful emotions wonderfully fill out the spectrum of human experience, of the human condition; it fills out our existence. If one learns—actually I should say ‘remember’ and not ‘learn’ because one has always known—if one remembers how to release again, he or she will have this experience. As they release, old matters, painful memories will return. They do for me daily. It’s good to know this, though, because when I know that my mind is being scrubbed; it is being cleansed. That top layer of dead nastiness and pain is being slowly peeled off. I will not resist. These emotions have turned into bearable feelings—they are simply messages, just an incidental effect of my brain discarding old junk, and growing because of it. I am feeling anger and some fear. I don’t analyze, label or resist. I allow it and I welcome it. I love it, and you should too, because it is trying to help us. I don’t react negatively to it any longer. I could just let it go, but I won’t. I want to understand the message. S

  2. notes

    3 years ago

     Hahaha, I looooved Madeline when I was a little kid. Maybe that’s how everyone in the family but the ‘rents realized that I was gay, haha. 

    Hahaha, I looooved Madeline when I was a little kid. Maybe that’s how everyone in the family but the ‘rents realized that I was gay, haha. 

    (Source: 10---01, via madelinegbr)

  3. 3 years ago

    Wow.

    I have a lot of work to do on myself.

  4. 3 years ago

    So, here I am, at the midpoint of my fall semester, senior year of undergrad. GOOD GOD, I cannot believe this. Life is coming together quite well, and I am definitely looking forward to the future. I am sitting in class, though, at the moment, and I have a thought running through my mind that I’ve been meaning to reflect upon for quite some time. 
My biggest concern at the moment comes from something I have begun to discover through my daily routine. I always get up in the morning and go go go all day long until I’m so exhausted that I don’t know what to do with myself. And honestly, the more that I mull over the issue, I continue to have this thought: I am not so sure that I want a regular 9 to 5. I don’t know that I’d perform my best doing a regular routine like that. I simply feel as though I need variance. It’s the same principle as to why I know I wouldn’t do well sitting behind a desk filing insurance claims all day long.  And while I love the work that I plan to go into, I really feel as though I may need to set up a private practice and (once I am established well enough) set my own hours. This would eventually allow for the more varied hours that I hope to have. 
I cannot really explain why it is that I don’t know that I’m built for having a regular 9 to 5, but I cannot help but think it. It’s something I just feel in my bones. It’s almost as if it’s just a simple fact about myself, like a personality trait. This could also change as time goes on, either by a matter of heart or necessity, but for now, this is my belief. And if this belief remains, then so be it. I will adjust my plans accordingly. 
I am uncertain as to exactly what the future holds right now, but I do know one thing. I have him, and I will always have him, and as long as I have him, I’m going to be just fine, and even better than ‘just fine’, because I will be totally and entirely complete and I will be happy. I realize that no matter what happens, I am so fortunate to be in love with someone who is just as in love with me. He is why I realize that even when life gets tough and I am stressed to the max, that all is well, and in fact, that life really couldn’t get much better at all. What else could I want or need?
SS

    So, here I am, at the midpoint of my fall semester, senior year of undergrad. GOOD GOD, I cannot believe this. Life is coming together quite well, and I am definitely looking forward to the future. I am sitting in class, though, at the moment, and I have a thought running through my mind that I’ve been meaning to reflect upon for quite some time. 

    My biggest concern at the moment comes from something I have begun to discover through my daily routine. I always get up in the morning and go go go all day long until I’m so exhausted that I don’t know what to do with myself. And honestly, the more that I mull over the issue, I continue to have this thought: I am not so sure that I want a regular 9 to 5. I don’t know that I’d perform my best doing a regular routine like that. I simply feel as though I need variance. It’s the same principle as to why I know I wouldn’t do well sitting behind a desk filing insurance claims all day long.  And while I love the work that I plan to go into, I really feel as though I may need to set up a private practice and (once I am established well enough) set my own hours. This would eventually allow for the more varied hours that I hope to have. 

    I cannot really explain why it is that I don’t know that I’m built for having a regular 9 to 5, but I cannot help but think it. It’s something I just feel in my bones. It’s almost as if it’s just a simple fact about myself, like a personality trait. This could also change as time goes on, either by a matter of heart or necessity, but for now, this is my belief. And if this belief remains, then so be it. I will adjust my plans accordingly. 

    I am uncertain as to exactly what the future holds right now, but I do know one thing. I have him, and I will always have him, and as long as I have him, I’m going to be just fine, and even better than ‘just fine’, because I will be totally and entirely complete and I will be happy. I realize that no matter what happens, I am so fortunate to be in love with someone who is just as in love with me. He is why I realize that even when life gets tough and I am stressed to the max, that all is well, and in fact, that life really couldn’t get much better at all. What else could I want or need?

    SS

    jgbiv

  5. 4 years ago

    I am so in love with this boy. <3 jgbiv

    jgbiv

  6. 4 years ago

    Another overdue post

    So here I am, again, without a post for an overly long time. Sorry. 

    I know that I’m not exactly the best at updating this, but it seems as though I only have a few a loyal followers anyway. Trying to get better. :) 

    I guess I find myself at the beginning of this summer in a bizarre place, unable to really identify exactly in what type of place I sit. I think in the past couple of weeks, I have felt as though I’ve lost my mind entirely, madness filling my heart and soul as if some great divide could swallow me up whole. But I have also never felt more sane simultaneously and stronger for standing up for my heart and what it is exactly that I know I need. I suppose it all makes sense, in the end, after all…it’s about time I stand up for myself and pay attention to my needs. :)

    I have found myself fighting with greater forces than myself. And right now, it’s hard to tell if I am winning, per se, but I can say that no matter how it turns out, it’ll be great. 

    I love being just vague enough as to get my feelings across without spilling everything. :) 


  7. 4 years ago

    Has it really been this long?

    So…I have come to terms with the fact that I really just suck at blogging in a timely manner. Pfft whatever, I will write when I can, but I feel like reflecting a bit today.

    It seems that each time I appear to write these deep, thought out messages dealing with “changes” in my life. I guess I have found that changes are things in life that are always constant. People come and go, but change is forever instilled. I have found myself hurt this semester by a change that disintegrated almost as suddenly as it appeared. My relationship with him was, in short, amazing. I never thought it would end based on what what said, but I suppose even then, things can change.  

    It ended and once again, my life changed. It hurt, but the sun came up, and I rolled out of bed in the morning. I went to my classes, went to do my service work, and went to work. And you know what? I’m alive and doing fine. It hurts every now and again, but I have moved on and I don’t forget, and I am sure that I will forever remember him, but our destiny was simply not to be together, as much as I would have really wished it were. But I am excited by new prospects, new life, and a new way to go on and grow. 

    Tomorrow is a move in day for me. I am moving off of campus; out of the Rhodes bubble. I am excited about my pursuing a new friendship with my room mate and I am excited by the arrival of a new family member- my puppy, Ellie Mae. She’s great and beautiful and I am so excited to see how she grows and matures! 

    Life is going well, and I am excited for my last year of college. We’ll see where it takes me. :) 

    S

  8. notes

    4 years ago

    You know, I think that this photo really kind of captures the essence of what my semester has been like this fall.
What you see is a path, not entirely free of debris or clear-cut, surrounded by tangled brambles of thorns and branches, a sure sign of past troubles. The branches protrude from their craggy tangles, maybe snagging one&#8217;s shirt. The thorns may get stuck in the skin and hair, leaving small remnants of their forces behind. They force shadows upon the path, making it frequently hard to see, and they keep out the sun that lights the way and warms the spirit. The path? Well, who knows where it may lead. And what may be hiding in the brambles or even at the end of the path is not really known. Until you come to a clearing, this photo, where the branches and gnarled thorns break, and one can see a glimpse of what is outside of the whimsical world of the path. It is not the end of the path, for that is still unknown, but it&#8217;s a refreshing glimpse of what may be to come. And in the one moment that the sun shines, the whole world of the path is lit. Everything is bright and all suddenly becomes clearer, even the unknown.
This really represents my semester- a challenge for sure. I never really knew what was coming next and the past, well I was reminded frequently of it. But now, I have made it through the semester, newly changed and with a new outlook on myself in addition to my goals. I have new potential, I have new people in my life. I am strong, and even though I was somewhat turned around the path this semester, I have found my way once more, and I am on the path, wondering what is in store at the end.
I promise to write again soon. I am going to be better, I swear. :)

    You know, I think that this photo really kind of captures the essence of what my semester has been like this fall.

    What you see is a path, not entirely free of debris or clear-cut, surrounded by tangled brambles of thorns and branches, a sure sign of past troubles. The branches protrude from their craggy tangles, maybe snagging one’s shirt. The thorns may get stuck in the skin and hair, leaving small remnants of their forces behind. They force shadows upon the path, making it frequently hard to see, and they keep out the sun that lights the way and warms the spirit. The path? Well, who knows where it may lead. And what may be hiding in the brambles or even at the end of the path is not really known. Until you come to a clearing, this photo, where the branches and gnarled thorns break, and one can see a glimpse of what is outside of the whimsical world of the path. It is not the end of the path, for that is still unknown, but it’s a refreshing glimpse of what may be to come. And in the one moment that the sun shines, the whole world of the path is lit. Everything is bright and all suddenly becomes clearer, even the unknown.

    This really represents my semester- a challenge for sure. I never really knew what was coming next and the past, well I was reminded frequently of it. But now, I have made it through the semester, newly changed and with a new outlook on myself in addition to my goals. I have new potential, I have new people in my life. I am strong, and even though I was somewhat turned around the path this semester, I have found my way once more, and I am on the path, wondering what is in store at the end.

    I promise to write again soon. I am going to be better, I swear. :)

  9. 4 years ago

    So here we go!

    Sorry it has been so long since I have written. A lot has gone down since my last entry.

    About a week after fall break, I took ill. I ended up vomiting and passing out and being rushed to the hospital with an extraordinarily high temperature- so high that many people die when they reach the temperature that was exhausting my body. It was just awful and I was in the hospital for an entire week. I will say this, though. I have never realized how many people care about me and how much I love my friends. Until I got sick, I think we sort of all took advantage of one another. Well, it’s not necessarily that we took advantage of each other, we just never realized what we had. And now, my friends and I, including my wonderful roommates are closer than ever. :)

    Otherwise, it has been a good few weeks. I caught up on all of my work and have been doing well, with the exception of psychophysiology class, which is is just annihilating.  I am flying back to Memphis tomorrow to wrap up the semester. What a great Thanksgiving up in Banner Elk, North Carolina! It was so great- it was my first snowy Thanksgiving. I saw family and friends, including m newlywed sister and her husband. The food and company was amazing. What a great time- now it’s just time to finish up the semester.

    Not only this, but I have new potential in my life now. And I could not be happier. More to come soon… :)

    S

  10. 4 years ago

    BUSYNESS

    I shall post over Thanksgiving.

    That is all.

    S